Martin Soriano’s ‘chopsuey article’

Allow me to post my icon Martin Soriano’s “chopsuey article.”

With the recent pictorial of New Metro Society in Iloilo, one can really see that the power of society rests in the lolas. See what did I tell you? Sa pa guwapa-guwapa department pirdihon kamo tanan sang mga lola.

For example in Manila, society is ruled by the likes of Lola Imelda Cojuangco. It is because in order to become a legend you have to be a lola. Mayor nga ugat na na ya gina istoryahan. Look at Lola Chito, Lola Constance Brooke Pendleton, Lola Josephine Knacks nga kun may bago nga oven ma pizza party guid siya ya... Hahaha Scandalous, is it not? The girls - stand in the corner kamo tanan.

I’m sorry but the pages of Tattler Magazine can only accommodate so much. So for those who think of themselves too important, here’s the news: Magazines can only print so many people, te ang iban sa inyo EXTRA (Pugo, Ben David, Bella Flores ang beauty ninyo) e - decoration kung baga. Sorry better luck next time. Most of you won’t find your pictures in the New Metro Society, kun sa basketball, benchwarmers ah...okay lang na – that’s life.

Some resorts in Guimaras are really damaged by the oil spill. I have personally sent noodles to the people of Tando in Guimaras because I, too, have something to do with Tando. I have a small cove in Tando. Speaking of Pau liniments, Balanyos and Wonder Oil, why not tap human resources of Guimaras as well for entertainment.

Look, there is a John B Lacson school there. Some Lolas whose husbands are not at par with their bodily needs could have spa weekends there using these herbal oils while they are massaged by hot young maritime students - this should take care of displaced tourists in the meantime - and teach their husbands nga look honey - kung kaya mo kaya ko rin.

We can have cabaret-style night outs complete with renditions of Chicago with lolas tap-dancing while promoting our herbal native products. What do you think?

Since we are a tourist destination we might as well develop our Health and Beauty products ala The Body Shop. Then maybe we could open a classy store in Greenbelt 4 and name it Hot, Sexy, Sultry Guimaras Products: With our flagship product - The Guimaras Spanish Fly - maintains and prolongs ejaculation for a satisfying sex life. O di ba? What do you think?

A lot of the herbs you find in Guimaras are aphrodisiacs. I did some research on this. Example is a poison from the Bakhaw tree. Read on. The Chinese call them the Healing Herbs...while poisonous in the right dosages they could be helpful.......Hmmm...our store should not only be in Greenbelt 4 (kag ma tupad guid ta ya sa Louis Vuitton - One Thousand Dollars isa ka bag a hahaha.....but Carrefour in France guid ya...Hahaha.

MAGIC SPELL FOR TODAY. STRICTLY FOR LOLAS ONLY and the powerful Pangging - The Goddess.: You are the supremes of the universe. Pirdi na tanan nga mga dalaga sa inyo kay kamo ang may gahum. Kamo ang ugat sang kabuhi sa kalibutan. You’ve been through it all, all the hibi-hibi sang mga relasyon (lalake gid ya e...hahaha), boys, boys, boys...tampa-tampa...pa guwapa-guwapa...the younger generation thinks they have discovered sex when YOU all along know what they mean.....tak-an na kamo. Indi na kamo ma suguidan. Linti no? Amu ni ang tawag nga gahum. I’m going to give you a spell.

Magic Spell: Buy a DVD of Chicago. Go to the part of “Pop, Squish, Lipschitz, Cicero.....” In the part that says some Men just can’t hold their Arsenic....amu ni ang spell. Go to Tando in Guimaras, find a Bakhaw tree. Tear of a bark and oooze out a milky white substance. Gather this sa isa ka Kaltek or Gallunan. A teaspoonful a day into the coffee of your lover (if he is useless that is, especially kun gina sakit niya kamo)...will do the trick...linte pangga in a matter of months, ma as-as siya...patay...Hahaha...and the autopsy report will not find anything unusual since it is all natural and herbal.....linti no? Te bato? Well that’s how I end my article...take care...Good Night and Good Luck!

By the way that is an Oscar Award movie. Disclaimer: Don’t do this ha. Chicago guid ni ya gwa nyo: Roxie Hart. And yes, I know Sophie Tucker will faint I know.....to see her name get billed below.......Roxie Hart./JPC