Matthew Benedict

I’ve been itching to bitch about something the past 24 hours. And when I bitch around, it’s through blogging. Nothing makes me feel better – aside from being in contact with PJ – than writing an amusing piece.

Now where was I? NB: my thoughts get lost when PJ enters the frame. I wanted to blog with my trademark sarcasm which my friends love, when I got an SMS from my brother. He said he already posted Matthew Benedict’s photos on his Friendster account.

Seeing my nephew’s photos – his fragility and how my brother and sister-in-law hold him dear simply melted me – my disposition changed; when just minutes ago I was ranting about an ‘ambisyosa’ co-worker and fast forward, the car that stopped in front of me and splashed water into my right foot. It was a sudden change in mood.

Now I’m adoring my nephew. Later, I will blog about a former co-worker who was never spared from my wrath and utter bitchiness. I so loved to torment IT (tae po sya) that when I saw IT the other day, how I wished IT was still working with us so I could enjoy tormenting IT and making ITS life a living hell. But then, IT didn’t survive my cruelty. Tales of ITS incompetence didn’t interest me, and neither would you be.

Ta-ta!

What the FCUK is your problem, BITCH?

I am really in the mood to bitch about a co-worker whose incompetence – should I entertain her – would kill me. I hope she dies before me because I know her miserable life is going nowhere. She is just green with envy because I am way too far (and all the superlatives) better than her.

Our rather illogical HR’s bobitry (coined to describe her dunce) is getting into my nerves. We almost had another episode recently – for the nth time – after she refused my request for a day’s change in my work.

I work as assistant editor from Monday to Friday. I assume the post on Saturday when the editor takes his break.

I had to shoot for a segment one Saturday so I arranged with the editor that I edit that Friday while he edits on Saturday. As in previous arrangements, we called it a deal. All was set. There was no problem, was there?

The next thing, I advised our HR – who I think is not even qualified for the job since she is not a Psychology major – about our arrangement.

To my dismay and utter disgust, she denied my request.

“I am editing today since I have an important shoot tomorrow. I will still, however, assist the editor on Saturday,” I told her.

That explanation was very clear even to a 5^th grader.

She did not approve the request on the premise that “you should stick to your schedule.”

Now tell me, which part of my arrangement disqualified my request? From where I stand, I was valid. Her reason wasn’t.

I was so pissed off I cancelled my arrangement with the editor. There was no way I can justify our arrangement, anyway.

Her crooked mentality is not helping the company.

That BITCH! She is too disillusioned and drunk of the temporal office entrusted her. She thinks as MANAGER, she is the best animal in the job.

“No you aren’t, asshole! You do not even understand the nature of your job!”

I am only extending my patience because I want to remain well. But push me against the wall more and I will not hesitate to drag your bulky ass to labor court. I have a lot of axe to grind against you. Be wary of me…/JPC

Into the mind of the mercurial and Herculean Lea Salonga

How I love this amazing woman. I would kill for her! Hahaha
I hope pathetic Mesdames (are they really if they are not their partners’ ‘women’ only?) La Bretchen Garretto and overly-modulated lady bass Guffa Rutierrez. How these distressed damsels create a mess of themselves if only to hog the limelight is always a disgusting feature.

Showbizzzzzzz............
Aug 3, ‘07 1:24 AM


“I don’t think anyone has the right to intrude in your life, but they do. I would like people to separate the actress and the woman.” - Ingrid Bergman

Obviously the late Ms. Bergman has never seen the likes of Philippine showbusiness... how colorful, intrigue-laden and downright ridiculous it can be.

I’ve been in this business for nearly 30 years, if you can believe that. I started as a wee little girl in the ensemble of a musical and it kept going from there. My world was theater and the adults I emulated were those from the theater. I was not much of a movie fan, and wasn’t really into what was happening in that world. But, I did enter the more mainstream areas of the business, including film, TV, and music. And... and... well...

I know that things that happen in our world get blown up and multiplied many times over, simply because we’re in the public eye, and thus are open to public scrutiny and criticism. It’s human nature for people on the outside to want to peer into our fishbowl and watch us swim. I’ve grown used to it by now, although I must admit, when I’m having a bad day, it takes a while for a smile to come to my face.

As a person from showbusiness, I accept that the public at large will be curious and want to know about what happens in private. But what I don’t appreciate is when people from showbusiness inflict their private lives upon the rest of the world. Their scandals... their dirty laundry... the things in their worlds that no one else has the right to know. It’s one thing when you’re found out; it’s another thing altogether when there’s an onslaught of way too much information from an actor or a singer or a TV host. Heck, I feel violated when bombarded with stuff I didn’t want to hear or see.

Yeah, showbiz is a place that the faint of heart must steer clear from. It isn’t for the onion-skinned or the garden variety crybaby. But I’d like to think that it isn’t for those who are so starved for attention that every single family fight, every affair gone bad, every shabu pipe counted is plunked on our collective lap. Hopefully, it’s for those who want the attention based on the quality of their work and not on the darker, shadier sides of their private lives. I’m a showbiz fan too, and I really don’t care to hear about a colleague’s dirty laundry. It’s none of my business, and I like keeping it that way.

Am I being an idealist? I do know that tawdry news sells magazines and makes the rounds of the gossip shows faster than a speeding bullet. But still.

But still.

And that is my rambling for the night. It’s late, so my thoughts aren’t exactly that well-organized./JPC

Angels

One inspiring song for one inspired soul.

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we’re grey and old
‘Coz I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I’m lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I’m right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
When I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

When I’m feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I’ll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I’m right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
When I come to call she won’t forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

‘The Next Big Thing,’ huh?

This is a repost from “chopsuey.”

Thanks to the ingenuity of an Augustinian who tagged Iloilo as “The Next Big Thing.” That breath of fresh air is quite a promise that this beautiful city I have come to embrace as my own (I’m an Akeanon-Capiceño) will have its share of the limelight. Hopefully with it is the realization of that slogan (think of Iloilo being at par with the country’s top metropolises - Manila and Cebu).

Indi magpaulihi ang Iloilo. As my favorite Panay News columnist Martin Soriano says, “Mabato ang Iloilo, mabato.”

Yes, indeed. Iloilo has “IT.”

History? Iloilo raised several illustrious men and women who were leading figures in the country’s glorious past. Literature? Iloilo is home to nationally-acclaimed literati of long ago and the present age. Economics? Whoa, ‘wag isnabin ang mga sugar barons of the bygone era plus the growing number of Ilonggo entrepreneurs. Politics? To say that Senators Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Franklin Drilon helped shape this struggling nation is already an understatement. The affluent families whom you will recognize by their apellidos; the beautiful ancestral houses, the business establishments here and there; the good colleges and universities (some of which are pre-WWII pa); churches whose architecture are oh-so breathtaking; ang indi matupongan nga La Paz Batchoy kag Pancit Molo; biscocho and barquillos; the active night life and the list continues. Damu reasons, actually for Iloilo to be the next big thing.

Amen, I say to you. It won’t be long when Iloilo welcomes the world once the airport of international standards begins to operate. Just we wait and see because this crouching tiger, hidden dragon of the Visayas will give other key cities in this beautiful country (I am an optimist!) a run for their money. People of the Philippines, hulat lang kamo kay ma-tambling ang Iloilo (fireworks display!).

Or so you think! Akala nyo lang ‘yun! Unless there’s a change in the Ilonggos’ mentality, that dream of Iloilo as the new “IT” would remain lightyears away.
Iloilo has all the capacity to catapult itself to that millennium goal. But the people? I doubt. Ibutang ta, 40 percent lang siguro ang maka advance sa next level. Ang iban? They still have jagged edges to smoothen before they can advance to the next level.

On commuting. PLEASE have the decency to say “PLEASE” or “PALIHOG” when handing over your payment. Hello, I am not your muchacha. And say “THANK YOU” once the favor is extended you. These are only simple gestures but they matter a lot. Weren’t these taught in pre-school? Or you weren’t just listening at all because you were too busy dreaming about playtime or sticking a finger in your nose. Either way, let this serve as a reminder. For women with long hair: Ok, granting you spent bucks on hair treatments and you have, at last, achieved that sunod sa galaw na buhok. Tie it up, sister, or higti nga indi maglupad-lupad sa itsura sang iban! You should know that people only prefer angel hair pasta, not your hair! And watch out for others’ feet kay for several times na ako natapakan despite the fact nga 7.5 man lang ang shoe size ko.

On entering establishments/queuing. The rule is always first come, first served. Don’t “overtake.” You wait for your turn; don’t just slip through the line just because you’re in a hurry. Who says he isn’t in a hurry, anyway? So the next time magsulod ka sa SM City or anywhere else in that matter, pila ka. Another thing, don’t let someone hold the door for you (unless he is paid to do that for you). But if he is a customer like you, hold the door yourself because in the end, you’re accountable to yourself alone. If you do that, that’s the height of kabastusan.

On walking in public places. If strolling in the mall or walking downtown, keep in mind ang traffic rules. Keep right. Indi ka mang-agaw sang lane sang iban. Diin mo sila ya paagyon, sa gutter na? While in the mall, don’t walk in troops since you’re not the only ones who need the ramp. Don’t monopolize the lane. Lanes are public domain. So whether you want to stroll in the mall like the CanCan girls on parade, think twice. Others need that public space as much as you do.

On going to parties. If you have the money to spend and indulge yourself to a night of booze and smoke and music with friends, go. It’s your right. Nobody has the right to contest that. But if you look others head-to-toe when you’re on a night out, that’s totally un-cool and not to mention impolite. It irks me when I’m, assessed from the head, down. Can’t you mind your own business? In as much as I respect your going out, please respect mine. And note that staring is uber impolite. Do that if you’re in a Western country and makita mo gid ang hinahanap mo.

On treating others. This all boils down to R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I was out one Friday night with a couple of friends and we had this invitation to the launching of a TV show on local tourism. Right by the entrance of the bar, was the ticket lady. I showed her the two “invites.” She was inosente gali, and she sarcastically asked me, “Ano ‘ni ya?” Right there and then I felt nagbagrong talinga ko. I wanted to snap at her but someone of a higher position came and told her, “Ok na, pasudla na.”

I was so irate. Being one who gets even with those who wrong me, I glared at her saying, “Ang stamp ko?” That wasn’t even enough. I could have done something more to humiliate her but I thought to myself, “Don’t waste your night over that ignorant ticket lady.”

On “celebrity” status. Undeniably, Iloilo is never lacking of beauties. They are everywhere. And they are anywhere going to parties on Fridays and Saturdays. No offense meant to the humble ones who need not show the world they’re beautiful. But there are others nga ma-discover lang, mabayuan sang mga local designers, they think they’re already stars.

Well, dearies, you’re not. It’s just all in your airheads. You think people look up to you. You’re wrong. If in case you don’t know, gone are the days when the face speaks it all. The world looks up to women of substance, the total package. Who knows, while you’re strutting your stuff on the ramp, your stilettos just might break and you’ll fall flat on your face leaving you bungi-bungi.

These observations make me sick. Now tell me, how can Iloilo be the next big thing with these people around? If they change, then can I agree that Iloilo is “The Next Big Thing.”/JPC

Being a mean bitch and not sorry for it

This is a repost from “chopsuey.”

I went to a loading station in the Atrium mall one afternoon. The saleswoman was suplada. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand in this world – it’s a suplada saleswoman. I paid my dues. She handed me the change. Among the stack was a “repaired” P20 bill. It was torn in half and quite worn.

Being the conscious buyer-slash-consumer that I am, I politely asked her if she could replace it with a better bill. She said no and that it was the last P20 bill in her register, she alleged.

Papatihon nya ‘ko? So I gave her another option: to give me P20 worth of coins. As if I read her mind, I added if she could give me P5 or P10 coins.

Once more she declined and painstakingly picked P1 coins in her register. She was a total bitch that I threw the battered P20 bill at her and waited for my replacement coins. She got irritated by my act and said, “Ngaa ginhaboy mo ko kwarta? Kwarta ina ya kag imo man to gani kwarta, etc.”

I was totally shut in my world when she ranted against me. At least I provoked her and she reacted.

To hell with that silly rodent. I’m looking forward to the day I’ll buy load credits from her again and see what happens./JPC

Martin Soriano’s ‘chopsuey article’

Allow me to post my icon Martin Soriano’s “chopsuey article.”

With the recent pictorial of New Metro Society in Iloilo, one can really see that the power of society rests in the lolas. See what did I tell you? Sa pa guwapa-guwapa department pirdihon kamo tanan sang mga lola.

For example in Manila, society is ruled by the likes of Lola Imelda Cojuangco. It is because in order to become a legend you have to be a lola. Mayor nga ugat na na ya gina istoryahan. Look at Lola Chito, Lola Constance Brooke Pendleton, Lola Josephine Knacks nga kun may bago nga oven ma pizza party guid siya ya... Hahaha Scandalous, is it not? The girls - stand in the corner kamo tanan.

I’m sorry but the pages of Tattler Magazine can only accommodate so much. So for those who think of themselves too important, here’s the news: Magazines can only print so many people, te ang iban sa inyo EXTRA (Pugo, Ben David, Bella Flores ang beauty ninyo) e - decoration kung baga. Sorry better luck next time. Most of you won’t find your pictures in the New Metro Society, kun sa basketball, benchwarmers ah...okay lang na – that’s life.

Some resorts in Guimaras are really damaged by the oil spill. I have personally sent noodles to the people of Tando in Guimaras because I, too, have something to do with Tando. I have a small cove in Tando. Speaking of Pau liniments, Balanyos and Wonder Oil, why not tap human resources of Guimaras as well for entertainment.

Look, there is a John B Lacson school there. Some Lolas whose husbands are not at par with their bodily needs could have spa weekends there using these herbal oils while they are massaged by hot young maritime students - this should take care of displaced tourists in the meantime - and teach their husbands nga look honey - kung kaya mo kaya ko rin.

We can have cabaret-style night outs complete with renditions of Chicago with lolas tap-dancing while promoting our herbal native products. What do you think?

Since we are a tourist destination we might as well develop our Health and Beauty products ala The Body Shop. Then maybe we could open a classy store in Greenbelt 4 and name it Hot, Sexy, Sultry Guimaras Products: With our flagship product - The Guimaras Spanish Fly - maintains and prolongs ejaculation for a satisfying sex life. O di ba? What do you think?

A lot of the herbs you find in Guimaras are aphrodisiacs. I did some research on this. Example is a poison from the Bakhaw tree. Read on. The Chinese call them the Healing Herbs...while poisonous in the right dosages they could be helpful.......Hmmm...our store should not only be in Greenbelt 4 (kag ma tupad guid ta ya sa Louis Vuitton - One Thousand Dollars isa ka bag a hahaha.....but Carrefour in France guid ya...Hahaha.

MAGIC SPELL FOR TODAY. STRICTLY FOR LOLAS ONLY and the powerful Pangging - The Goddess.: You are the supremes of the universe. Pirdi na tanan nga mga dalaga sa inyo kay kamo ang may gahum. Kamo ang ugat sang kabuhi sa kalibutan. You’ve been through it all, all the hibi-hibi sang mga relasyon (lalake gid ya e...hahaha), boys, boys, boys...tampa-tampa...pa guwapa-guwapa...the younger generation thinks they have discovered sex when YOU all along know what they mean.....tak-an na kamo. Indi na kamo ma suguidan. Linti no? Amu ni ang tawag nga gahum. I’m going to give you a spell.

Magic Spell: Buy a DVD of Chicago. Go to the part of “Pop, Squish, Lipschitz, Cicero.....” In the part that says some Men just can’t hold their Arsenic....amu ni ang spell. Go to Tando in Guimaras, find a Bakhaw tree. Tear of a bark and oooze out a milky white substance. Gather this sa isa ka Kaltek or Gallunan. A teaspoonful a day into the coffee of your lover (if he is useless that is, especially kun gina sakit niya kamo)...will do the trick...linte pangga in a matter of months, ma as-as siya...patay...Hahaha...and the autopsy report will not find anything unusual since it is all natural and herbal.....linti no? Te bato? Well that’s how I end my article...take care...Good Night and Good Luck!

By the way that is an Oscar Award movie. Disclaimer: Don’t do this ha. Chicago guid ni ya gwa nyo: Roxie Hart. And yes, I know Sophie Tucker will faint I know.....to see her name get billed below.......Roxie Hart./JPC

They whom I treasure much

My awesome ‘rents. I can never paint through words how they mean to me.
They both rescued me through all my failures. I'm so blessed to have them.
Love yah, Tatay and Nanay! I may not say this often but I mean each letter.

Christian is my mostest nephew - my most favorite one. I sooo love this big boy-little man.

Fr. Vivencio, my high school classmate. We weren’t really close then due to pubescent differences. We’ve grown mature, though, and settled everything. We’re damn close now and I love him so much.

Whoa! Super friend Lenjenie (he was the first to use that to describe our friendship) and Harold. They are both very wonderful people - the kind to whom you can share your deepest secrets, the kind who don’t give a damn about what others think and the kind who’ll reach their hands to you when you’re in hell.

Had I been…

Contrary to how others perceive me, I am not at all thrilled with how I am. If others believe I am very lucky to be where I now stand, it is because I am just good at living the way my life turned out to be.
***
One female friend sees me as a twenty-something writer cum editor. She thinks I’m amazing for getting to this post at my age. Other friends say I’m “bongga” because I get what I want – the job, I mean – as I’ll soon be having two “glam” jobs (though I still haven’t figured out how I can manage both). And so forth and so on.
They think I’m so damn blessed.
Sadly, I have a lot of “had-I-been” moments – moments when I picture myself far different from who, what I have and where I am now.
Had I been any of my fantasy personas, would I be happier or better than who I am now?
***
“The Cleric”
First scenario:
Admittedly, my deepest frustration in life is to be a priest. Yes, I tried my luck – maybe not my best – to be a humble and worthy servant of God. I was, however, adjudged unfit for the role. I was found lacking and wanting. I wasn’t fit for the job.
Consciously I am aware I’m too obnoxious to be one. I’m also unfit because of my lifestyle since I refuse to be boxed. I loathe being told what to do.
Second scenario:
I am this rich kid, smart, talented, a pianist, a violinist, a singer-composer with ala Josh Groban’s voice to boot – son of a lawyer and former politician father and acclaimed musician mother; grandson (maternal) of a national artist for music; son of a major stockholder of either Globe or Smart telecoms; son of the seminary’s most munificent benefactors.
Born in the Big Apple, schooled in LSGH, he had everything – literally everything money can buy – until he decided to enter the seminary and live the simple life.
‘Nuff of that. We move on to my second fantasy.
***
“The Diplomat”
My uncle (Nanay’s elder brother) was a Consul General for Kobe, Japan until his retirement from government service in 2001. He was Undersecretary of Foreign Affairs during former president Ramos’ regime.
He used to spend a two-day break in our ancestral house in Dumalag of which we were the tenants. He would spend those two days catching up with our lives and visiting Lolo and Lola’s grave. He wore Oscar de la Renta shirts, Bally shoes and Paco Rabanne parfum.
He is amazingly smart and eloquent. He articulates his point with such authority that I was always drawn to him.
When we send him off to the airport, he no longer subjected himself or his luggage for inspection. He only flashed his passport with the black cover (I later learned it was called a diplomatic passport) and the guards pay him their respect.
And so at times I fantasize I have a BS Foreign Service degree, serving as a consul in Paris or any European country.
Imagine how fab and glam that life is?
***
“The Uber Chick”
Interestingly, I sometimes wish I were a chick. LOL!
I wish I am a deadly concoction of Donita Rose’s looks and Lea Salonga’s extraordinary talent. The uber chick I-am-not is well-bred and raised with nannies here and there. She is schooled in a private institution for her pre-school, grade school and high school and majors in Linguistics in college. She is old rich and desired by many but her heart belongs to only one – a simple guy schooled in the seminary. Guessing game, anyone?
***
As the wisdom of old goes, we may not get what we want in life but what we enjoy now are God’s best designs for us. We only have to live it out the way He wishes us to live it. Live it and be happy./JPC

Ode to Jadis - the White Witch of Narnia

I realized that if you put your “heart” over your “head,” you are at the losing end.
I would like to believe that I am a rationalist – someone who upholds reason and experience.
I would like to believe that I am a stronger, wiser and better person.
***
I fell in love many times. Many times I cried.
I cried because I used to connect with what I felt – with what my heart dictated (as how poets describe it). I used to savor the feeling of being extremely in love with someone. And when things not turn out to be – as they are pre-destined not to turn out the way I want it to – I cried and made a mess of myself.
I cried over M. I cried over H.
I do not wish to relish the past as they no longer exist – at least in the fantasy world I created for myself – but I honestly loved them and I think both deserve my tears.
***
After crying and making a mess of myself, I told myself I will be a stronger person; that nobody will ever make me cry again; that I will have to be responsible for myself; and that whenever I love someone, I will never allow myself to be eaten whole by that love. Barely 4 years after the vow, here I am happy with the way things turned out for me.
All that is a product of being a rationalist – or is that really how you call it? Whatever it is, the trick is to always process everything. Weigh each probability, which will, at the end of the day, make you a better person.
***
Jadis is the Ice Queen, the White Witch of Narnia. I think we need to be Ice Queens at times if only to save ourselves from getting hurt. If we have a heart as cold as ice, I guess we can always freeze our emotions and remain strong for the sake of ourselves./JPC

La Pastiche: An introduction

I call upon the 9 Muses of Greek mythology to inspire me to write and never deprive me of interesting ideas and the perfect words to paint that the world is beautiful in as much as it is cruel; that life is a gift in as much as it is a curse; that I am a blessing as I am a bomb.
***
La Pastiche is the daughter of my previous blog “chopsuey.” While chopsuey is the enamored Chinese dish of various vegetables, my “chopsuey” was a hodgepodge of my whims and caprice – all put into writing.
Sadly, I have to abort “chopsuey” for reasons I do not wish to discuss.
La Pastiche. La Pastiche. La Pastiche. The other daughter of JPC’s whims and caprice.
***
The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “pastiche” as a musical, literary or artistic composition made up of selections from different works. Just like the now defunct “chopsuey,” La Pastiche promises to be a blog of all odds.
La Pastiche aims for the artistic verbalization of my “neurosis,” as I fully embrace the fact that there lies, deep within me, a dormant lunatic whose extravagant follies are best expressed by writing.
La Pastiche will also try to express my passions and feelings through writing, just like “Tita” in Mexican novelist Laura Esquivel’s “Como Agua Para Chocolate (Like Water For Chocolate).” Like her cooking which causes people who taste it experience what she feels, I wish that La Pastiche will somehow touch the lives of those who read its entries.
Talk about an ethereal purpose in writing.
***
In closing, La Pastiche invokes the aid of Thalia, Melpomene, Euterpe, Terpsichore, Erato, Calliope, Urania, Polyhymnia and Polymnia. Lead La Pastiche to greater heights.
Guide me to keep on writing the wave./JPC